Attention all personnel on the launch pad: Vehicle loading is now completed. The flight director will now say a few words before we proceed with pre-flight checks.
*Ahem*
Here we now stand, but a few hundred feet short of the final test launch of our Boulder 1 booster rocket, so named for the unglamorous way in which is hurls through the sky with reckless abandon and seeming indifference to the laws of physics that bind the rest of us to this earth.
Attached at it's hip, in what will surely go down as one of the most ramshod feats of redneck engineering in history is Curiosity 2, the second of it's name in both sequence and feasibility as a spacecraft, shortly to be delivered in one - or more likely many - pieces to low earth orbit. I commend the perseverance of all who fought for this day, against every intuition as to the obvious and numerous safety hazards and ill-conceived components of this mission, from the jerry-rigged attachment arm to the constant and deafening rattle of unknown and almost certainly critical components clanging around, the failed and inoperable AI flight computer and insufficient parachute drag to return this craft safely to the ground.
In a few moments time, and having proceeded through a chernobyl-esque rubber-stamping of all safety checks and pre-flight preparations, the resulting flight and/or detonation will be because of your hard work.
And so, to those of you who have for these past months poured your blood, sweat, tears, and every fiber of your scientific creativity into this vehicle to make it the best, most promising, well designed and functional vehicle this agency has ever produced, I send to you my deepest, most profound and sincere respect and, more importantly, apologies for what we are about to do.
Godspeed Boulder 1 and Curiosity 2. You could have been great, but for the misfortune to fall into the hands of only modestly evolved chimpanzees.